12 Reasons Why I Stopped Being Catholic
i wrote these set of poems a couple of years back when i was in one of my life’s transitions, those once in a lifetime spaces that are hard to return back to. i was raised catholic, but now i have been laid down in my new life as something else. thank you for reading, as you honor this offering with your time, may your time be honored in return.
HOLY COMMUNION.
my first holy communion
i must have been the youngest
in my call, but no one knew that at the time
dressed in all white very bright
still just a girl in that moment
innocent, even almost holy
good thing i got to keep my name
for this round god did not let me suffer
any responsibility from carrying him just yet, yes him
at that time god was still him, to me
the body of christ filled my mouth
with this sacred initiation holy and occult
like all the doctrines and latin hymns
i had to learn to prove i was full of God
you see, the thing they don't tell you
is when you eat God, in any form
there is no turning back from such heresy.
2. HOLY CONFIRMATION.
eating the body of god is never enough
flesh does not guarantee spirit even at the altar
the paraclete must be specially invited
this time i needed a new name
my birth name was not enough
you see, this was how we learnt
without knowing - every rebirth requires a new name
so i took a name which belonged
to someone's mother
this time i drank the wine
we had permission to taste of the blood
with this ritual, all the other gods
who lay still in my body, sensed that
they could no longer be at ease
and a riot began, a negotiation
in God's presence, for my suffering
to begin and last for a lifetime
until i returned the name i took from someone's mother
and acknowledged all the gods who occupied me first.
3. THE CROSS AT THE ALTAR.
i would sit before it
and pray, and cry, sing hymns
before that well crafted marble cross
i would wash it with cloth and water
sometimes leave droplets of water on the face of Jesus
to help it cry
i would sleep under the alter table
filled with the need to give my life to god
never really knowing whether or not i was heard
and when my life started to turn
in my body, i knew Jesus had heard
and felt that i too wanted to be dead
then alive again
and one day that cross fell
someone said they had really seen it bleed
and i knew even then
that i and that cross were the same
inanimate things, attempting to hold god
and failing to bear the weight.
4. THE HUMAN PRIESTS.
padres, not allowed to marry
but i had to
even though, i too decided i was a priest
they could have flings with my mother
touch those boys
build houses and groom secret families
but i could not
even though, i had no interest in such things
imperfect vessels aren't we all
sweet in the mouth
bitter in the belly
wearing our costumes
doing things we swore not to do
like those priests.
5. NEW IDOLS.
new church, new idols
i learned the lesson of disownment
holy mother became heavy in my mouth
the weight of adoration in my heart
turned into a soar taste of blasphemy in my mouth
mother mother
mother mary will you forgive me
for learning the lesson of abandonment
the new mantle to look away from the manger
i took upon my shoulders and they broke
they broke me with new forms
worship a man of God
turn him into your father
talk to god but not without this new spiritual authority
discard the rosary, it is a chain
they said, my love was idolatry
only for every other time i knelt
only for every other time i lifted my head
only for every other time i fell at the altar
it was another man or woman's voice
in my mouth and pockets.
6. THE GIFT OF TONGUES.
hands raised in a basement fellowship
the holy ghost came down
i opened my mouth and other voices rushed out
in my mouth angels wrestled
through my tongue god always wins
in strange tones unknown to me
my feet could swim in deep waters
this was good for me this was good for me
this. was. good. for. me.
for the first time in my life
i let myself be what i was born for
a god being God.
7. ALTAR BOYS SERVERS.
servants of the god at the altar
chosen. holy enough to hold the incense
burn in service at the altar
not holy enough to cast the spell
of transmutation on the body
that sacred bread from the side of the god
we are all called to serve
you too are a priest
but you too are not
here a girl will not serve
there she may serve
depends on the priest
the holy reverend mouthpiece of god
on how he feels about it
you may come close enough to this god
at the altar yes at the altar
but you may not perform its magic
anyway, go out there to the world
and sin no more
but he touched me, he said
he touched me and made me afraid
but he touched me, he complained
and he did not mean Jesus.
8. CONFESSIONS.
father forgive me for i have sinned
against God, my father, my mother,
my brothers, my sisters, my family,
my friends, my enemies, my lovers,
father it has been many years
since i made confession,
so here i am
sorry to have laid such power of absolution on flesh
sorry to have believed a man in collar
could make a sign and wipe away my heavy sins
sorry to have taken penance of several hail mary's and
a couple our father's
an act of contrition
to spell away my accountability through religious magic
approved by that god
the worst kind.
so oh my god and entities
i am very sorry i let myself sin against us
and by the help of y'all graces
i will not blaspheme again.
9. NOVENA FOR IMPOSSIBLE THINGS.
9:00am
Ave Maria, O virgin
O mother
I want new breasts
a lighter chest
12:00pm
Our lady, of coloured eyes
O mother
I want beastly colour eyes
a shocking sight
3:00pm
Ave Maria, your children are calling
On you, o mother
I want the blood and water
from the pierced side of your son
to turn into gold dust
in my bank account
6:00pm
Our lady, of barren women
take my monthly flow
and give it, give it
o please give it to those women
who thirst for this blood
and its righteousness
9:00pm
Ave Maria, o maiden
when will I be free of my life
you stopped me once from dying
now voice of many waters
you owe me my breath
give me back my breath steady underwater
12:00pm
Mater Amabilis,
Ora Pro Nobis
every sect of this religion
I have shifted into
wants to kill me
and has left my queen of the coast
wearing masks made out of empty human threats
so pray for us o holy mother
of god, that we may be made
worthy of the promises of the impossible.
10. PATER NOSTER.
Our mother, praise be to you
whose heaven is this? that they speak of
will your kingdom come?
will your will be done? on earth as it is in deep waters
Give us this day and our daily bread,
if we do not forgive those who harm us,
as we do them harm you may forgive them,
lead us right into temptation,
but deliver us from all evil,
and grant us peace in our days
For yours is every kingdom
that sizzles, with power
and glory, forever more.
11. CREDO IN UNUM DEUM.
i believed in all the lies they fed me and my spirit
forgetting my people were ancient before Adam
accepting a prejudgement of curse
from a suited man's mouth
i believed in the death and resurrection
of one man, while i neglected the empty tombs
in my mother tongue, sharing in the meal
made up for five thousand
while millions hungered
i believed in the immaculate conception
but everytime my primordial mother tried
to reach me, she was cast out, forbidden
name called and promised exorcism
spirit can conceive a god, yes
that man, but not in my belly, yes
but not me and my people,
lies lies upon lies
credo in unum deum, patrem
omnipotentem, factorem caeli et
terrae, visibilum omnium et invisibilium;
you may not understand
but i too have now laid claim
to all the godly things visible and invisible
as they sit in my center.
12. THE MASS IS ENDED.
that life has now ended
let us go in the peace perceived by christ
into this new life where ancient identities
spiritual footprints deaths and resurrections
lay in wait to be reclaimed
thanks be, thanks be
o thanks be
to my chi my god.
thank you for reading