12 Reasons Why I Stopped Being Catholic

i wrote these set of poems a couple of years back when i was in one of my life’s transitions, those once in a lifetime spaces that are hard to return back to. i was raised catholic, but now i have been laid down in my new life as something else. thank you for reading, as you honor this offering with your time, may your time be honored in return.

  1. HOLY COMMUNION.

my first holy communion

i must have been the youngest

in my call, but no one knew that at the time

dressed in all white very bright

still just a girl in that moment

innocent, even almost holy

good thing i got to keep my name

for this round god did not let me suffer

any responsibility from carrying him just yet, yes him

at that time god was still him, to me

the body of christ filled my mouth

with this sacred initiation holy and occult

like all the doctrines and latin hymns

i had to learn to prove i was full of God

you see, the thing they don't tell you

is when you eat God, in any form

there is no turning back from such heresy.

2. HOLY CONFIRMATION.

eating the body of god is never enough

flesh does not guarantee spirit even at the altar

the paraclete must be specially invited

this time i needed a new name

my birth name was not enough

you see, this was how we learnt

without knowing - every rebirth requires a new name

so i took a name which belonged

to someone's mother

this time i drank the wine

we had permission to taste of the blood

with this ritual, all the other gods

who lay still in my body, sensed that

they could no longer be at ease

and a riot began, a negotiation

in God's presence, for my suffering

to begin and last for a lifetime

until i returned the name i took from someone's mother

and acknowledged all the gods who occupied me first.

3. THE CROSS AT THE ALTAR.

i would sit before it

and pray, and cry, sing hymns

before that well crafted marble cross

i would wash it with cloth and water

sometimes leave droplets of water on the face of Jesus

to help it cry

i would sleep under the alter table

filled with the need to give my life to god

never really knowing whether or not i was heard

and when my life started to turn

in my body, i knew Jesus had heard

and felt that i too wanted to be dead

then alive again

and one day that cross fell

someone said they had really seen it bleed

and i knew even then

that i and that cross were the same

inanimate things, attempting to hold god

and failing to bear the weight.

4. THE HUMAN PRIESTS.

padres, not allowed to marry

but i had to

even though, i too decided i was a priest

they could have flings with my mother

touch those boys

build houses and groom secret families

but i could not

even though, i had no interest in such things

imperfect vessels aren't we all

sweet in the mouth

bitter in the belly

wearing our costumes

doing things we swore not to do

like those priests.

5. NEW IDOLS.

new church, new idols

i learned the lesson of disownment

holy mother became heavy in my mouth

the weight of adoration in my heart

turned into a soar taste of blasphemy in my mouth

mother mother

mother mary will you forgive me

for learning the lesson of abandonment

the new mantle to look away from the manger

i took upon my shoulders and they broke

they broke me with new forms

worship a man of God

turn him into your father

talk to god but not without this new spiritual authority

discard the rosary, it is a chain

they said, my love was idolatry

only for every other time i knelt

only for every other time i lifted my head

only for every other time i fell at the altar

it was another man or woman's voice

in my mouth and pockets.

6. THE GIFT OF TONGUES.

hands raised in a basement fellowship

the holy ghost came down

i opened my mouth and other voices rushed out

in my mouth angels wrestled

through my tongue god always wins

in strange tones unknown to me

my feet could swim in deep waters

this was good for me this was good for me

this. was. good. for. me.

for the first time in my life

i let myself be what i was born for

a god being God.

7. ALTAR BOYS SERVERS.

servants of the god at the altar

chosen. holy enough to hold the incense 

burn in service at the altar 

not holy enough to cast the spell

of transmutation on the body 

that sacred bread from the side of the god 

we are all called to serve 

you too are a priest 

but you too are not

here a girl will not serve 

there she may serve 

depends on the priest 

the holy reverend mouthpiece of god 

on how he feels about it 

you may come close enough to this god

at the altar yes at the altar 

but you may not perform its magic 

anyway, go out there to the world 

and sin no more 

but he touched me, he said 

he touched me and made me afraid 

but he touched me, he complained 

and he did not mean Jesus. 

8. CONFESSIONS.

father forgive me for i have sinned

against God, my father, my mother,

my brothers, my sisters, my family,

my friends, my enemies, my lovers,

father it has been many years

since i made confession,

so here i am

sorry to have laid such power of absolution on flesh

sorry to have believed a man in collar

could make a sign and wipe away my heavy sins

sorry to have taken penance of several hail mary's and

a couple our father's

an act of contrition

to spell away my accountability through religious magic

approved by that god

the worst kind.

so oh my god and entities

i am very sorry i let myself sin against us

and by the help of y'all graces

i will not blaspheme again.

9. NOVENA FOR IMPOSSIBLE THINGS.

9:00am

Ave Maria, O virgin 

O mother 

I want new breasts 

a lighter chest 

12:00pm

Our lady, of coloured eyes

O mother 

I want beastly colour eyes 

a shocking sight

3:00pm

Ave Maria, your children are calling 

On you, o mother 

I want the blood and water

from the pierced side of your son

to turn into gold dust

in my bank account 

6:00pm

Our lady, of barren women 

take my monthly flow 

and give it, give it 

o please give it to those women 

who thirst for this blood 

and its righteousness 

9:00pm

Ave Maria, o maiden 

when will I be free of my life 

you stopped me once from dying 

now voice of many waters 

you owe me my breath 

give me back my breath steady underwater 

12:00pm

Mater Amabilis, 

Ora Pro Nobis 

every sect of this religion 

I have shifted into

wants to kill me 

and has left my queen of the coast 

wearing masks made out of empty human threats

so pray for us o holy mother 

of god, that we may be made 

worthy of the promises of the impossible. 

10. PATER NOSTER.

Our mother, praise be to you 

whose heaven is this? that they speak of 

will your kingdom come? 

will your will be done? on earth as it is in deep waters 

Give us this day and our daily bread,

if we do not forgive those who harm us,

as we do them harm you may forgive them,

lead us right into temptation,

but deliver us from all evil, 

and grant us peace in our days 

For yours is every kingdom 

that sizzles, with power 

and glory, forever more. 

11. CREDO IN UNUM DEUM.

i believed in all the lies they fed me and my spirit 

forgetting my people were ancient before Adam 

accepting a prejudgement of curse

from a suited man's mouth

i believed in the death and resurrection 

of one man, while i neglected the empty tombs 

in my mother tongue, sharing in the meal

made up for five thousand 

while millions hungered 

i believed in the immaculate conception 

but everytime my primordial mother tried 

to reach me, she was cast out, forbidden 

name called and promised exorcism 

spirit can conceive a god, yes

that man, but not in my belly, yes

but not me and my people, 

lies lies upon lies 

credo in unum deum, patrem 

omnipotentem, factorem caeli et 

terrae, visibilum omnium et invisibilium;

you may not understand 

but i too have now laid claim 

to all the godly things visible and invisible 

as they sit in my center. 

12. THE MASS IS ENDED.

that life has now ended 

let us go in the peace perceived by christ 

into this new life where ancient identities 

spiritual footprints deaths and resurrections 

lay in wait to be reclaimed 

thanks be, thanks be 

o thanks be 

to my chi my god.

thank you for reading

The End.